


:No Response

by curekepralssyndrome (orphan_account)



Category: Mass Effect
Genre: F/M, Feels, SO, sad sad feels, set after ME3, shepard writes a letter for personal reasons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-08
Updated: 2016-07-08
Packaged: 2018-07-22 05:24:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7421656
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/curekepralssyndrome
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>So like I like to think Shepard goes to therapy or grief counseling or something to help with the whole Thane thing... and like this is how I think her reply to Thanes last message would have gone.</p>
            </blockquote>





	:No Response

**Author's Note:**

> fuck my life
> 
> update: fixed this a little ^^ haha like i am so obsessed i think of good things sometimes after the fact idk this is just for me tbh i have a lot of issues

Subject: Because they made me

From: Commander Shepard

Thane,

I'm writing this because they made me, say it'll give me 'closure' but we all know that's bullshit. None of us get closure, what even is that?

I just looked it up, "noun. The definition of closure is the act of closing something, or an end or resolution of something. When a road is not open to the public because it is undergoing repairs, this is an example of a road closure. When you end a relationship and say your final goodbyes, this is an example of closure."

I don't know how I feel about that, ending this. I know it's already over, but I don't want to say my 'final goodbyes'. I don't want it to be over for _me_. I'm mad at you for that. For you this was all over before it had even started, you had already come to peace with it, and we both fooled me into thinking I had too. Like when the time came, I would smile, kiss you one last time, and just let you float away. 

To be honest, Thane, I wanted you to fight, I wanted to fight you into fighting. I wanted you to tell me you didn't want to leave me, that you would fight all your gods to stay with me. I know that's selfish of me, but seeing you fall and slip away... It hurt more than dyeing.

I can hear Garrus and Tali outside. They sound worried, as usual. My night terrors have gotten worse, typical. I had to take a leave of absence, and extra therapy sessions. It's bullshit. 

You said you wanted my memories to fade Thane, but I don't. Not even the hurt, because it's just more proof to me that it was _real_. All of it, the first time i felt your hand in mine, all the times we kissed, the moment your beautiful eyes closed for the last time. I wish I could hear your voice again, could watch you relive memories I'd forget, but can't and it kills me Thane.

Sometimes I wondered if you would be the same, if I had died before you. Would you grieve like this? Would you sit and listen to old recordings of messages just to hear my voice and pretend I was there with you? Would you hate the universe like I do now? I try not to think about it.

I got reckless, Thane. After you left I figured the universe was a crock of shit anyway. And I didn't want to keep you waiting. I don't. I want to be with you, I want to make it across that sea and just see you again. That's when the therapy started.

Sometimes Kolyat visits, and it makes me feel better to think it would have made you happy. I think he does it more out of a sense of obligation though, standing, sighing, arms tight, hands idling. I think it makes him feel closer to you, at first, he would ask me many questions. Now he just tells me how he is, makes small talk, as if afraid that severing any ties with me would sever whatever he had with you. I'm afraid to ask my own questions, Thane. I with I could. I so desperately want to know what those months were like, when I wasn't there. I want to know where you went, what Mexico was like, if you liked it. He tells me about how his studies are going, how his work is, about the girl he likes. She sounds nice, Thane, you would have liked her. 

Sometimes all I can do is remember. Our first kiss, so warm and gentle, the way you asked if it was okay. _Fuck_ Thane it was always okay. The first time I felt your hand in mine, all I wanted to do was count the shades, the digits, and never let go. You were like a forest, and I was a child who never got to finish exploring every branch of you. The others say they understand, but I know they don't, not really. This pain is terrible, but it's _mine_. It's ours. It's excruciating, it's like dying, and Garrus said this kind of pain, it's hollowing and he understands. It's not. This pain is different. It's so filling Thane, _this pain_ , it doesn't go away, and it just replaces the parts of me that I know can't ever heal. My lips, never feeling yours again, my hands, never getting to touch you again. And if I'm completely honest, I don't want this pain to be gone. It's _mine_ , you were mine, so I can't let it go.

My next appointment is soon, and they want me to send this, I put it off all week. I know this account won't give me a response, but I'm just following orders, so here goes. The best way to say everything I want, is to use your own words, I think. You called it 'tu-fira', and I think this is as close as a human can get. Love isn't supposed to hurt, is it? If this is love... then it is the most exquisite form of pain I have known.

I love you Thane. Now, and always. I hope you will wait for me, and I can't wait to see you, it's the only thing that makes dyeing again seem like a good option. But... I also hate you, I hate how much I want you, how much I need you. Before you I had no one, and I liked that. But now I find myself searching the bed in the middle of the night, forgetting you're gone. I wake up screaming your name, watching your blood spread across the floor again, hearing your broken breathing like its a whisper against my ear. I have to remember, because I won't let myself forget you Thane, the pain is everything.

So goodbye, Thane, for now. Until I make it across the sea,

Love, Shepard, your Siha.

**Author's Note:**

> I am soooo bad at this kinda stuff but i have unresolved feels and just wanted to write some useless drabbles lmaoo literally writing this in a break between shifts at work trying not to cry haha im a MEss


End file.
